ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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