Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
