Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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