I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My life is pants optional.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
