we have pet lesbian snakes
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
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