Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
