I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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