I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
