Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
