Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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