enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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