He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
