You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
