So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
