My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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