weddingsv make me drug and hornr
where am i from again
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
