Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
