yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
