turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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