I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
