Yo dont text me then not text me
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Randomize
