It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
