During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
