God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
