My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
