i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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