I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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