I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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