i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
