went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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