so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize