if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
