someone threw a dead crab at me
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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