see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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