Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize