Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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