Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
