My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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