My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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