I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
