He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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