im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
