No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
