Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
