i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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