K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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