Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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