Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just high enough for therapy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
