No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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