I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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