he puts the penis in happiness.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
