i just made my gag reflex go away.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize