Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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