You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
