dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
